Sunday, September 30, 2012

Dear Unwanted Pounds

An Open Letter to My Unwanted Pounds ... 

Dear Unwanted Pounds: 

I have a bone to pick with you. You are my dark clouds that, en masse, have been growing inside of me, haunting me. Terrorizing me, really. 

The fat cells that encompass you are like pigeons who hang around garbage dumpsters, waiting for half-eaten burritos. You are scavengers who lie in wait scooping up pancake molecules that swish past you in the current, feeding on them like starving savages. You are evil and you are not wanted here. I’m in the process of having you 'exorcised'. Let's consider my gym a priest, a personal exorcist, if you will. 

First he will come a calling and clean out all signs of the gastronomic devil: crackers, diet coke, bacon, oh I could go on. And that’s the problem. 

This lean-muscled priest will 'exorcise' you, making me scream in pain as I repeatedly and incessantly flap about, without much grace. He'll yell at me. Or you. It’s hard to tell, frankly. 

“Get out!” he will yell. “Get out of this body!” Oh, he’ll be talking to you, then. 

“If it hurts, that means it’s working.” The personal exorcist’s lips will curl with a simplistic smile. I imagine he will not like you. 

When the exorcism is done, he will mutter something about what a fine job I have done. 

“This body needs work, but now there is less poison.” 

He'll say the only reason you hang around, the reason you “possess” me is because I keep feeding you, enabling you. If I quit throwing fried chicken and cheese nips into my dumpster, you will leave me and look for sustenance elsewhere. 

But I don’t know if I can. You tempt me so. I fear I’ve already sold my soul to you and it may be too late for redemption. 

The priest will strongly suggest that the only path to salvation is to attend his church regularly, like three to four times a week! 

“A pound for a pound.” 

But I know this church and it’s full of devoted folks. Far more diligent than me. These people hit it religiously. I want such passion and determination. 

Those dedicated souls, well they do have fewer fat cells. And they do look happy. 

So, it's farewell to you - my unwanted pounds. Prepare yourselves to be EXERCISED ! :) 

Sincerely, Your Master